Deeply vulnerable relationships often include both joy and broken hearts

When people transition away from monogamy they’re inevitably going to make mistakes. I still do. Patricia Johnson and Mark A. Michaels are sex and relationship experts who outline how to create “designer relationships” that begin by acknowledging the unique needs of people in the relationship. When I dipped my toes into polyamory a decade ago, their book might have made the process less confusing.

But no matter how many books a person reads, transitioning to CNM is always challenging. It’s liberating. It can be more flexible for different people’s needs. It’s also hard. The transition inevitably triggers feelings of insecurity, fear, and self-doubt. For me, it was hard to figure out what my needs were beyond the life scripts I had been assigned. I couldn’t imagine why Per wanted more. Nor did I understand why I also wanted more.

Now, polyamory is an important and enriching part of my life. I still make mistakes: I hurt people and I get hurt. And it was often my metamours who helped me feel safe and cared for through the process.

On a cold, rainy day last fall, I was on my way home from work. Continue reading →